It is hard to explain what it does to me knowing there is a little boy laying in a hospital bed in another state wondering why God won't show up for him. As I ponder my own day-to-day challenges and what it means to walk through this life with integrity and enough backbone to say I did my best on any given day...when I think of Tyler he reminds me that I really shouldn't snivel one bit. He reminds me to focus on what is important to me and to not waste a minute.
Tyler is the grandson of a childhood friend of mine. I see the updates of his distraught mother and his aunties on Facebook and I wonder why this his happening to this young soul. He has cancer and his battle is horrific. He doesn't have a choice. He is going to see this illness through one way or another. There are more children like him...oh I wish it weren't so. It humbles me to the point of being yet again "Oft Made to Wonder."
I've lived long enough to believe in an unseen force that comes to our aide and acts as a companion to us on this journey. I have also lived long enough to not have a clue about what is really going on. In cases like the suffering children of our world I can only hope they were placed on this planet to teach us a humbler and more compassionate walk. These little angels are our teachers and oh how I love them.
Tyler's journey has moved me to consider my own life and what it means to be a mother, wife and someone who wants health, prosperity and a deeper spiritual path for myself and also for my loved ones. I'm sure this is what Tyler's parents want too. But today I would say that a healthy and happy little boy is on the top of that list. If I could put myself in their place for one minute...try as I may...my mind can only consider their grasping at hope and mercy and relief. These pleas must be the very breath they are breathing. The agony of unanswered prayers yet small graces that keep hope alive through the eyes of love seem like the order of each day. Honestly, this journey is so much more than I can imagine.
Thank you Tyler for opening my eyes a little wider and helping me put my own daily challenges and relationships in a light that is true. I for one am daily in awe of you and although you don't know me, you have impacted my life for the better.
Thank you Tyler, for being one of my heroes. May all the angels assist you on your journey.
I believe we all have our own trail of PTS debris following us around with a gravitational force and at some point there will certainly be an impact. The more debris, the greater chance we will get hit. PTSD is like that. Those darts of past traumatic memory imprinted upon us as well as the fears of what may happen either to us or to a loved one. Add the physiological impact upon our biology in its various forms of manifesting. It can be mind blowing and disabling.
We are survivors. Is that how we got into this mess? We are empaths and doesn't that just suck? We feel to the point of not being able to separate our selves from what has happened to either us or those we encounter or hear about. In this day we are constantly being bombarded by an influx of information that is bound and determined to make us feel. So much so that it is killing us who feel too much.
Since the tragic occurrence in 2015 when a rather egotistical doctor stuck a needle into the interior of my cervical spinal cord I have been up front and center with the darts chasing me. Actually, my darts have turned into missiles and a few have made real impact.
Because of the nature of my injury a gateway opened up and every stress in my life has come flowing out through the channel of my autonomic nervous system dysfunction. Yes, it sucks to the degree that you can imagine and more. (Please don't ever let a doctor put a needle into your neck.)
Every day that I wake up I am grateful. Each day that I feel "normal" I am ecstatic! Each day that I don't have to take a pill or an elixir to keep me from going into autonomic shutdown I feel like the Great Spirit has smiled upon me and deemed me worthy to be happy. Still, I find myself afraid and battling with past trauma and worst case death scenarios in my mind...and yet, I keep going.
Something had to change.
Today I have decided to turn my PTSD into my PTSV..."V" is for victory don't you know? It sounds silly but if you are living it you know it is a matter of life and death. My Neurologists look at me like they can't believe I am alive and then offer me band aide remedies. Tranquilizers will not heal me. I know it takes years for the spinal cord to heal and I understand that part (think PTSV). At one point I had a nice doctor offer prayer. It got me thinking and set me on track to heal myself.
My daily remedy goes something like this:
This is how I do it. I sure do wish I could say it was easy but alas there are good days and some not so great. Ultimately we are teachers. We teach by our lives because there is always someone watching and they are either being shown what to do or what not to do. My hope is that I am teaching what to do.
Be well my friends. You are worth the effort just as I believe I am.
Oft Made to Wonder is set to ship early June. While I have had time to sit with this material and sort through it there are many who have not. I've heard from a few childhood friends who knew I was struggling but could never pull out of me the truth of it all. I'm going to quote them here but I also aim to give them a voice to try and put the puzzle pieces together of their own lives. There was a lot going on particularly in the 70's as it pertains to the way things were and what was considered an acceptable norm. I hope this platform allows for the much needed conversations to happen. Who knows? Maybe some answers will come.
"My sister and I have talked about you over the years. I personally felt tormented because I knew your pain was real. I knew you well enough that I knew you didn’t make things up. I so wish I could have helped you as that beautiful teenaged girl. I am so happy you have found your truth. I admire you for putting it into words. Your story needs to be told. Things are not always what they seem, even in “Christian households”. I have lost faith over the years in what we viewed as Christianity. I think the capacity we have to love each other is more representative of what we truly possess inside. I still love you!"
Joyce Posey Ralston
I agree with you Joyce. I think there are more important things than the letter of what we were told was the law. It gave rise to so much violence but it also created a dichotomy in my world that set me up for accepting so much more abuse as an adult. After the book is released there will be much more to talk about. I hope to see you and many more back here.
In close I would like to leave you with the words that inspired the title of my book.
As we ten sang so many times in church...
Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long;
While there are others living about us,
Never molested, though in the wrong.
Farther along we’ll know more about it,
Farther along we’ll understand why;
Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine,
We’ll understand it all by and by
W. A. Fletcher