Letter to my pastRead Now
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. In fact I think about you nearly every day and some days it seems like you are the only one I think of. There is so much I want to say to you so I'll begin with what is most important to me.
I want you to know how much I respect your honesty. You were never afraid to tell me the truth...as brutal as it seemed at times. I didn't always handle it very well and often times I thought you were downright bonkers but now I can see you were right about a lot of things. I also understand you were trying to help me. I try not to get stuck wishing I could go back to those times because it's hard to make mistakes and feel like I can't fix them.
We have had some great times haven't we? I love the parts where we laughed and played together. There is so much freedom in playing. Do you remember my giggles and the uncontrollable laughter as we wrestled and took turns being the strongest? I laughed until I cried. You became completely fascinated with the phenomenon how tickling my neck gave me goosebumps on my legs. I'll never forget those times.
You have such a beautiful heart. You can be so kind and generous with such effective precision that I just know your acts have made this world a better place for so many others.
In you I have seen a child-like innocence to defy any skeptic. The way you would ask the simplest questions about the biggest things and then grapple with answers so unique and satisfying. You gazed into the great beyond with your inquiries that took us on wild inner expeditions. I miss those times with you so much. The longing for these moments with you is overpowering at times.
Today I feel a need to live in an honorable way. To live as though you are another beating heart in me. This bloody aching heart drumming a song all it's own.
My dear, sweet Past, here you see that I love and adore you, and these are the most important by far, but there is more. There are things I don't understand about you. Why were you at times so hard on me? There was no intercessory when the bad people came to take my life. Was there no other way for me to learn? Then those times when I was utterly shattered, alone and bleeding...you cared right? Is your love for me truly unconditional? I struggle with these questions the way a kicked dog might. I see you weaving a web of musical notes and this is an opera of joy and tears.
I'm still waiting for you to answer me.
You and I are complex aren't we? It seems we've had the best and worst of times but you know what? I still love you. With all we have been through I still think you are the best friend I've ever had. You have kept hold of my hand and never let go. I don't suppose I will leave you either.
With all that is in me I want to thank you for sticking with me and helping me to get to where I am. I consider you my friend.
11/28/2018 06:30:21 am
Really insightful and well written! It was wonderful to dance with everyone together at the HS reunion. We all came together and bonded over our past and celebrated who we have become, forgetting the insecurities that separated all of us on some level back then. Your words make each of us reflect. Thankyou for sharing;)
11/28/2018 06:49:23 am
Thank you! Yes, it was nice to be among classmates and do a little jig. I enjoy this creative writing outlet. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
11/28/2018 07:21:44 am
Jia, thanks for inviting me to read this! It was very poetic and real! I, too, often grapple with the inconsistent answers/solutions/outcomes of my past. Why did it have to happen that way? And as I reflect too, I realize that though I may have been spared some heartache had that particular situation been handled differently, I honestly feel that it was the lesson that I needed to learn, and the fates saw that it would be best this way. Blame it on the fates. Reminded me of this quote, which will be the intro to my book when I buckle down and finish it...“I was a different person those days. Arrogant, undisciplined. Far too much ego, not too much wisdom...There are many paths of my youth that i’m not proud of. There were loose threads, untidy parts of me that i’d like to remove, but when I pulled on one of those threads, it unraveled the tapestry of my life…”
11/28/2018 07:44:24 am
Destiny, I agree with you! This post is my way of treating my past like an old friend that is actually me...but separate so I can reconcile my choices in my own psyche...if that makes sense. Additionally, it is a way of forgiving myself and finding peace within.
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